I just saw this blog on my cousin's blog site. I thought it was perfect, sad and hilarious . . . hope you enjoy!
If you can handle all these lessons then you are ready for children....
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
my boys just hanging out
a smily faced robbie wearing my combat boots
mommy teaching robbie how to make snow balls
the citadel flag
We experienced the first white Christmas since 1960 this year - I am so glad that we didn't miss this special event. It was so wonderful to experience the magic of Christmas with our little family.
Robbie looking out at the snow.
I LOVE this picture
This is Robbie getting "tackled" by his other favorite Christmas gift - a dancing frog. Robbie "shakes" the same exact moves that the frog makes to a "shake, shake" song. It is so cute!
Danny loved these chew toys that crinkle when you grab them. The dog in the background is from my mom - it is a coin bank and the dog barks and moves its ears and tail when you put coins in the bank. Robbie went crazy for it!
This was Robbie's favorite Christmas gift. It is a football "hat" (as Robbie calls it) with jersey and pants. He wears this non stop (literally). He begs to sleep in his football hat. He runs around the house yelling touchdown and tackle and tries to tackle us. I don't want him to play football, but it looks like I won't have a choice!
Opening gifts on Christmas morning
One more of them playing in the crib.
I had to throw this in since I took it while the boys were playing in the crib. We used the same letters to spell out Robert when Robbie was born.
Daniel is getting such a little personality - he loves playing with his brother and is always smiling and laughing. He is so laid back - the exact opposite of his brother and parents!
Robbie and Danny playing in Danny's crib - Robbie begs to get in there to play with his brother. It warms my heart to see this!
Uncle Parker (and Kyle in the background). Parker is home from The Citadel. Robbie adores him and Danny is his godson.
Aunt Megan - Robbie calls her aunt Meme
Robbie and Kyle playing together - Kyle is such a fun uncle, Robbie loves playing with him and shows off for him more than anyone else!
Bobbye - Kevin's mom and Danny and Robbie's Nana
Our downstairs tree
Our upstairs "kids" tree
We started a new tradition in our family this year - we celebrated the Feast of Saint Nicholas. The night before the feast, you place your shoes outside of your bedroom door. During the night St. Nick places goodies inside your shoes. This celebration is actually where the Santa Claus character came from. St. Nick was an actual person early in the Christian church who would teach about Christ and leave trinkets and gifts. The boys loved this - we all had so much fun!
Danny's shoes - since Danny could not eat these, we actually used the goodies to fill stockings!
Robbie's shoes
Our boys - they have so much fun together, you can really tell they are going to be the best of friends!
Daddy was suppose to pull Robbie, but Robbie wouldn't have it!
This is Robbie's buddy, Ms. Addison Browning
Our beautiful, and always happy, Danny Boy
